Dean Keyes Resigns – Signs Major Record Deal

Professor David Keyes, Dean of the Mathematical and Computer Sciences and Engineering Division, today announced he had signed with One Direction, the hottest new global boy band and would be resigning his Deanship immediately, April 1st,  in order to concentrate on harmony.  Proclaimed Keyes, “I have been very grateful for the opportunity to serve as Dean but am even more excited about wearing tight tee shirts, bringing “Anthematica” to teenage girls worldwide, and achieving yottaflop stardom on my own cloud.” President CF Shih declaimed, “Prof. Keyes has always represented the best of transdisciplinarity and this new move only confirms his versatility. I myself prefer the group Westlife, for example, but I heartily appreciate David’s choice.” Provost Stefan Catsicas, surprised by the news, exclaimed “Mon Dieu!  I am more of a Backstreet Boys fan myself, but we wish him the best in his exciting new thrusts – The Energy to be in a boy band, Food for thought for all of us who may feel stuck in a rut,  Water for our ears, thirsty for rhythm, and Environmentally, certainly sustainable due to his massive talent.”

In any event, Keyes’ latest hit reclaims the positive in how we feel about him from this dramatic decision.